Asking Eric: My sister-in-law inherited more than her fair share (2025)

Dear Eric: Over the years I noticed one of my spouse’s sisters seemed generally overly sensitive with sudden emotional outbursts and a tendency to play the victim.

My spouse’s last living parent died, and the estate needed to be divided equally between all of the siblings. Sister loaded up her car with many valuable items before making her way back home after the funeral. That annoyed the other siblings, as these items should have been part of the estate accounting to be divided, but they didn’t confront her.

Spouse and the other siblings decided to let her get her way, resulting in her inheriting a very, very sizable inheritance, much more than any of the siblings. It became clear that spouse and siblings are afraid of her, and I told spouse this. What’s done is done, but how am I supposed to act around the sister in the future?

Spouse does not want me to discuss this with her. I’m not a good actor. I don’t want her to stay at my home if she visits, but spouse does. I’m disappointed in spouse’s and siblings’ timid behavior, but I’m angry at her selfishness and total disregard for fairness. I don’t know how to move forward.

—Inappropriate Inheritance

Dear Inheritance: Sometimes we just have to let other people’s toxic families be toxic. There is an unhealthy dynamic between your spouse, your spouse’s siblings, and their sister. This has probably been the case all of their lives. Attempting to rearrange these relationships is just going to cause marital strife for you.

The relationship you can and should focus on is the one between you and your spouse. You’ve said what you needed to say about what happened with the inheritance. Your spouse has also expressed an opinion about how to move forward. I would encourage you to follow your spouse’s lead. You don’t have to acquiesce to the sister’s future demands or even be friendly. You might choose to be out of town when the sister visits. But I implore you to make peace with your disappointment in your spouse. The sister has already poisoned so many wells with her own behavior; don’t let her poison your marriage also.

Here’s an internal script: I wish my spouse had been treated fairly. I can’t control the various life factors that caused my spouse and the siblings to act the way that they did. There is so much else that I value about my spouse, and I will choose to focus on that, because by doing so I am also providing support for my spouse during a difficult and draining time.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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